![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Fic: Livin' Eyes Wide Shut
Title: Livin' Eyes Wide Shut
Fandom: Exo
Focus: Suho-centric
Genre: Gen, Angst
Rating: G
Length: Oneshot (drabble), 200 words
Summary: Joonmyun's a toy soldier, losing his soul.
Prompts: Taken from seouldout's Round 6 Challenge Two:
Author's Note: This week's response to the seouldout challenge. I honestly wasn't sure if I would be able to complete it this week, but I put off working on a lab report and studying for a test to polish it up before the deadline tomorrow. :)
So. The very first thing that should be noted is that I have an unhealthy amount of affection for the dichotomy between stage/real life personas of idols. Keep that in mind throughout this lol. The second, and far more important, thing is that both prompts were used for this and that through idea association, they both led to me using Epik High's Scenario (Paranoia Part 2) ft. MYK as my primary inspiration. When I saw the Lego-man for the first time, I found myself singing the lines
And then I went and looked up the lyrics and, well, it really does match the paranoia theme in its title. There's talk of chases and stalking and murder and how all of it is just in the protagonist's head -- and that's what I wanted. That alone matched the espionage and dream parts of the word prompt really well, and also led to me picking the title from one of the English lines of the song.
As for what made me think of the Lego-man as a toy soldier, when he appears to be more of a pirate based off of the hat, the brown foreground (his boat) and the blue background (the sea) were his epaulets. Pretty minor, but the image wouldn't go away, haha.
Now for the serious part -- what is this actually about? The first part is actually Suho's dream, which is actually a very mundane nightmare. In real life, Suho seems to have this weird thing about being on camera -- he's very stiff, very awkward. He's a try-hard and a people-pleaser in my opinion but for some reason he can't handle a camera the way he's reportedly been able to handle people in real life for years now. It's a very interesting contrast, so much so that I made it so that his paranoia is centered around the cameras following him rather than the people. This part was also inspired by the recent Tao incident and sasaeng fans in general.
As the pressure -- to perform for the cameras, to put up a front -- builds up, it starts chipping away at everything that makes him Joonmyun and even starts straining his "Suho" mask until it breaks. Because that would be the worst case scenario (pun unintended) -- that he loses that control over his image in addition to losing himself. The shock of it is what actually wakes him up, and for those first few moments he's thinking he's just a regular guy again. No pressure, no anything.
But then he realizes he's sharing a room with Sehun, the youngest in his group. It's a realization that he is still Suho, that he's living a high-pressure lifestyle, that he has this role to play, that his dream -- while highly exaggerated -- is an extension of his reality. The dream may be over, a new day may have begun, but his... "role-playing" never ends. That's one reason why I use Kurt Vonnegut's "So it goes" from Slaughterhouse-Five as an allusion here, to portray that sense of weariness and endlessness. There's nothing Suho can do about his situation really. (As for the other reason I used that line, it's because the part of the song "Scenario" that inspired me most is chock-full of allusions so it keeps to that theme.)
A few more points: the "armor" in the first section is another nod to the toy soldier theme, and the idea of "Suho" is also a type of armor. "Complaisant" means "to be inclined to please; to be agreeable, obliging" and refers to his try-hard, people-pleasing ways I mentioned earlier. "Inhaling the remains of Kim Joonmyun" basically refers to him sucking up and holding what's left of him (his broken pieces, the soul he's losing) inside of himself underneath the mask of Suho.
As for the title -- it comes from a line in the song that goes "Livin' eyes wide shut in this city of blindness" which felt fitting since Suho is dreaming and that's not supposed to be obvious until his eyes "jolt open". Living eyes wide shut means he's in that dream, and he continues living that way even after he wakes up. There are other allusions to the song throughout the drabble too. It was fun. I love this song, probably listened to it twenty times a day this week.
Fandom: Exo
Focus: Suho-centric
Genre: Gen, Angst
Rating: G
Length: Oneshot (drabble), 200 words
Summary: Joonmyun's a toy soldier, losing his soul.
Walking around alone isn't a luxury Joonmyun receives often for the same reason he has his hood pulled low, a scarf wrapped too tight around his neck. Even under the cover of darkness, he needs comfort, protection. Armor.
But then he hears them -- not the sounds of a busy crowd, the echoes of shadowing footsteps. Joonmyun's a Seoul boy, a people person.
It's the tell-tale clicks. Rapid-fire, never-ending, sounding closer with every step. Flashes go off in his periphery. He should be used to it, but as the shadows grow the pressure builds, weighing heavy on his chest. Squeezing him tight until a stale smile breaks out. Not Joonmyun's smile -- small, weary, chipping at the corners -- but Suho's.
The smile carves itself into Joonmyun's face, the mask pressing down until he can't breathe. But it can only take so much pressure before shattering to pieces, embedding into his skin and--
His eyes jolt open.
The bedroom is quiet, flooded with the morning's hues. A deep breath, a heavy sigh -- he almost relaxes until realizing they belong to a sleeping Sehun instead. A bitter reminder.
Inhaling the remains of Kim Joonmyun, Suho smiles complaisantly.
So it goes.
But then he hears them -- not the sounds of a busy crowd, the echoes of shadowing footsteps. Joonmyun's a Seoul boy, a people person.
It's the tell-tale clicks. Rapid-fire, never-ending, sounding closer with every step. Flashes go off in his periphery. He should be used to it, but as the shadows grow the pressure builds, weighing heavy on his chest. Squeezing him tight until a stale smile breaks out. Not Joonmyun's smile -- small, weary, chipping at the corners -- but Suho's.
The smile carves itself into Joonmyun's face, the mask pressing down until he can't breathe. But it can only take so much pressure before shattering to pieces, embedding into his skin and--
His eyes jolt open.
The bedroom is quiet, flooded with the morning's hues. A deep breath, a heavy sigh -- he almost relaxes until realizing they belong to a sleeping Sehun instead. A bitter reminder.
Inhaling the remains of Kim Joonmyun, Suho smiles complaisantly.
So it goes.
Prompts: Taken from seouldout's Round 6 Challenge Two:
Author's Note: This week's response to the seouldout challenge. I honestly wasn't sure if I would be able to complete it this week, but I put off working on a lab report and studying for a test to polish it up before the deadline tomorrow. :)
So. The very first thing that should be noted is that I have an unhealthy amount of affection for the dichotomy between stage/real life personas of idols. Keep that in mind throughout this lol. The second, and far more important, thing is that both prompts were used for this and that through idea association, they both led to me using Epik High's Scenario (Paranoia Part 2) ft. MYK as my primary inspiration. When I saw the Lego-man for the first time, I found myself singing the lines
"Goemul gateun na I'm an old boy,
A toy soldier losin' my soul, boy.
In this matrix, the devil plays tricks,
And there's no great escapin' this."
A toy soldier losin' my soul, boy.
In this matrix, the devil plays tricks,
And there's no great escapin' this."
And then I went and looked up the lyrics and, well, it really does match the paranoia theme in its title. There's talk of chases and stalking and murder and how all of it is just in the protagonist's head -- and that's what I wanted. That alone matched the espionage and dream parts of the word prompt really well, and also led to me picking the title from one of the English lines of the song.
As for what made me think of the Lego-man as a toy soldier, when he appears to be more of a pirate based off of the hat, the brown foreground (his boat) and the blue background (the sea) were his epaulets. Pretty minor, but the image wouldn't go away, haha.
Now for the serious part -- what is this actually about? The first part is actually Suho's dream, which is actually a very mundane nightmare. In real life, Suho seems to have this weird thing about being on camera -- he's very stiff, very awkward. He's a try-hard and a people-pleaser in my opinion but for some reason he can't handle a camera the way he's reportedly been able to handle people in real life for years now. It's a very interesting contrast, so much so that I made it so that his paranoia is centered around the cameras following him rather than the people. This part was also inspired by the recent Tao incident and sasaeng fans in general.
As the pressure -- to perform for the cameras, to put up a front -- builds up, it starts chipping away at everything that makes him Joonmyun and even starts straining his "Suho" mask until it breaks. Because that would be the worst case scenario (pun unintended) -- that he loses that control over his image in addition to losing himself. The shock of it is what actually wakes him up, and for those first few moments he's thinking he's just a regular guy again. No pressure, no anything.
But then he realizes he's sharing a room with Sehun, the youngest in his group. It's a realization that he is still Suho, that he's living a high-pressure lifestyle, that he has this role to play, that his dream -- while highly exaggerated -- is an extension of his reality. The dream may be over, a new day may have begun, but his... "role-playing" never ends. That's one reason why I use Kurt Vonnegut's "So it goes" from Slaughterhouse-Five as an allusion here, to portray that sense of weariness and endlessness. There's nothing Suho can do about his situation really. (As for the other reason I used that line, it's because the part of the song "Scenario" that inspired me most is chock-full of allusions so it keeps to that theme.)
A few more points: the "armor" in the first section is another nod to the toy soldier theme, and the idea of "Suho" is also a type of armor. "Complaisant" means "to be inclined to please; to be agreeable, obliging" and refers to his try-hard, people-pleasing ways I mentioned earlier. "Inhaling the remains of Kim Joonmyun" basically refers to him sucking up and holding what's left of him (his broken pieces, the soul he's losing) inside of himself underneath the mask of Suho.
As for the title -- it comes from a line in the song that goes "Livin' eyes wide shut in this city of blindness" which felt fitting since Suho is dreaming and that's not supposed to be obvious until his eyes "jolt open". Living eyes wide shut means he's in that dream, and he continues living that way even after he wakes up. There are other allusions to the song throughout the drabble too. It was fun. I love this song, probably listened to it twenty times a day this week.
no subject
I like how the syntax during the dream is a little scattered, that there’s few actual whole sentences. If I were you I would have experimented with pulling sentences together to enhance this. (but ik nobody likes my long sentences as much as I do u____u) Like “He should be used to it, but as the shadows grow the pressure builds, weighing heavy on his chest, squeezing him tight until a stale smile breaks out; not Joonmyun's smile -- small, weary, chipping at the corners -- but Suho's, carving itself into Joonmyun's face . could all be one sentence, like that. I think it can make it sound even more suggestive & desperate that way. But that’s just me, lol.
I was curious when reading the notes to see whether I had caught everything you had been thinking of and YAY! I did! :D (well almost, didn’t catch all the nods to songs but it worked well anyway). I was a little worried when seeing that you again had used both prompts, but you pull it together much better here. I think it’s because here all themes join together for a common cause while in “Washed out” it sort of feels like they all going off into different directions. This one feels a lot more cohesive and easy to follow.
Also re; the characterization, I totally agree that suho seems rly stiff on camera despite all accounts of him being relaxed and trolly in non-recorded fanmeets etc. I think that this is a rly interesting take on him and he’s rly the person for it. “Inhaling the remains of Kim Joonmyun, Suho smiles complaisantly.” is a great sentence, maybe a bit dramatic but I still think it works, it’s eerie and the metaphor is gorgeous. I also really like the last line.
If anything, I’m not entirely fond of “the mask pressing down until he can't breathe”. Again, it’s a bit dramatic, and using a word like “mask” is a little too obvious, doesn’t let me think for myself. But then again, maybe removing it would have made the drabble hard to understand. It’s also a really small thing, overall I really like this drabble.
no subject
The reason for my shorter syntax during Suho's dream is probably from the influence of listening to a rap song all week while I was thinking of this tbh? lmao that staccato beat, the short bursts of lines that build up on each other made me think about walking in the darkness, taking short but brief steps? Like you're walking in the darkness, unsure if you're being followed, so your steps fall quicker and in that sense desperation can be built as well? So I wanted to emulate that with fragmented statements I think, but I'm still not sure if it worked out for the better. I think your approach was probably more appropriate for a dream though, more flowy and lingering. Kind of like a shadow stretching before Suho. I'll definitely keep that in mind, because I have a piece about dreams I'm working on and that's definitely something I'll want to include in it!
And I agree again (I find myself agree a lot, lol) that the prompts for this particular week meshed a lot better than the previous week's. I'm glad for that :3
I think this was written before we got more of the accounts of Suho being trolly off-cam surfaced, so I've always been worried about my characterization of him. I think that shows up in my next piece, about numbers and leadership and stuff so I'll worry about that when you get to it, but leaders have always been interesting but difficult to me lol. I'm glad this interpretation seemed to have worked for you, in addition to the ending lines. Breathing imagery has always had the meaning of "moving on, regardless" to me personally, so it was important that I had that image of Suho taking that readying breath, without dipping into the connotations of exhalation. And the Vonnegut line /o\ I was so unsure about that, but I'm glad it worked for you. I'm always iffy about allusions because there's always the off-chance that it might not be picked up on, but it really captured the sentiment of what I wanted Suho to be going through at that moment. e__e
You're right on the mask point. Looking back, I can see how I could have completely removed "the mask" and given myself two extra words because the smile could have easily covered for it. So that's something to consider. Unfortunately, I still had a thing for masks by the end of seouldout, so you'll be seeing it again in a later drabble and I was not at all satisfied by it there either. :( Just a warning lmao
Thanks again for going over these, it's nice to think about them again and rediscover what I was thinking exactly as I wrote these out lol. A real adventure, even if I want to headdesk at all of my mistakes lol
no subject
well there you go. i am not surprised lol, it tends to be the same way for me.
no, i liked the staccato beat! and i don't think that pulling the sentences together removes this, i think commas can serve the same way as dots in this case. maybe it's just me, but i tend to read run-on sentences faster than shorter sentences. like when i write down my own dreams, like a nightmare with lots of things going on at once, where all the impressions swirl around in my head, i tend to write it as a rly long ranty sentences, barely with commas. and i think that that is something you can use to convey a feeling of fear and desperation. but idk, you have to experiment with that and see what works for you.
(btw, i realize i might be using the word "suggestive" wrong here? "suggestive" in my native tongue means that something is eerie and haunting, sort of dark, giving off a feeling of apprehension. idk just thought i'd clarify lol. (& wtf wiktionary says haunting isn't an adjective? um well hopefull you get what i mean anyway /o\))