NHI. This is a great drabble. It took me some time & some re-reads to get it, but I love that about it. You manage to say only just enough to convey the scene, and you really balance that line between vague & telling well. The comparison of camera flashes to gunfire is striking and gorgeous, and the shatters of Suho’s smile embedding into Joonmyun’s face is just… ugh. It’s suggestive and poignant and I really felt the uneasiness in my belly.
I like how the syntax during the dream is a little scattered, that there’s few actual whole sentences. If I were you I would have experimented with pulling sentences together to enhance this. (but ik nobody likes my long sentences as much as I do u____u) Like “He should be used to it, but as the shadows grow the pressure builds, weighing heavy on his chest, squeezing him tight until a stale smile breaks out; not Joonmyun's smile -- small, weary, chipping at the corners -- but Suho's, carving itself into Joonmyun's face . could all be one sentence, like that. I think it can make it sound even more suggestive & desperate that way. But that’s just me, lol.
I was curious when reading the notes to see whether I had caught everything you had been thinking of and YAY! I did! :D (well almost, didn’t catch all the nods to songs but it worked well anyway). I was a little worried when seeing that you again had used both prompts, but you pull it together much better here. I think it’s because here all themes join together for a common cause while in “Washed out” it sort of feels like they all going off into different directions. This one feels a lot more cohesive and easy to follow.
Also re; the characterization, I totally agree that suho seems rly stiff on camera despite all accounts of him being relaxed and trolly in non-recorded fanmeets etc. I think that this is a rly interesting take on him and he’s rly the person for it. “Inhaling the remains of Kim Joonmyun, Suho smiles complaisantly.” is a great sentence, maybe a bit dramatic but I still think it works, it’s eerie and the metaphor is gorgeous. I also really like the last line.
If anything, I’m not entirely fond of “the mask pressing down until he can't breathe”. Again, it’s a bit dramatic, and using a word like “mask” is a little too obvious, doesn’t let me think for myself. But then again, maybe removing it would have made the drabble hard to understand. It’s also a really small thing, overall I really like this drabble.
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I like how the syntax during the dream is a little scattered, that there’s few actual whole sentences. If I were you I would have experimented with pulling sentences together to enhance this. (but ik nobody likes my long sentences as much as I do u____u) Like “He should be used to it, but as the shadows grow the pressure builds, weighing heavy on his chest, squeezing him tight until a stale smile breaks out; not Joonmyun's smile -- small, weary, chipping at the corners -- but Suho's, carving itself into Joonmyun's face . could all be one sentence, like that. I think it can make it sound even more suggestive & desperate that way. But that’s just me, lol.
I was curious when reading the notes to see whether I had caught everything you had been thinking of and YAY! I did! :D (well almost, didn’t catch all the nods to songs but it worked well anyway). I was a little worried when seeing that you again had used both prompts, but you pull it together much better here. I think it’s because here all themes join together for a common cause while in “Washed out” it sort of feels like they all going off into different directions. This one feels a lot more cohesive and easy to follow.
Also re; the characterization, I totally agree that suho seems rly stiff on camera despite all accounts of him being relaxed and trolly in non-recorded fanmeets etc. I think that this is a rly interesting take on him and he’s rly the person for it. “Inhaling the remains of Kim Joonmyun, Suho smiles complaisantly.” is a great sentence, maybe a bit dramatic but I still think it works, it’s eerie and the metaphor is gorgeous. I also really like the last line.
If anything, I’m not entirely fond of “the mask pressing down until he can't breathe”. Again, it’s a bit dramatic, and using a word like “mask” is a little too obvious, doesn’t let me think for myself. But then again, maybe removing it would have made the drabble hard to understand. It’s also a really small thing, overall I really like this drabble.