Fic: Washed Out

[avirjin]

Title: Washed Out
Fandom: Exo
Focus: Kai-centric, slight Suho/Kai
Genre: Gen, mild angst
Rating: G
Length: Oneshot (drabble), 200 words
Summary: Kai takes a shower, Suho interrupts.

Jongin breathes in the steam rising around him. He rests his head against smooth glass, letting the spray of hot water wash away all signs of the day and watching as the droplets race down the paths forged by his hard-earned sweat. When he's like this -- hidden away behind a frosted door, shut off from the world of cameras and fans and never-ending dance practices -- it's easy to forget everything.

All it takes to break the illusion is one word.

"Jongin?"

He groans at the interruption, at the shadowy figure approaching from beyond the door. Eventually, he can see the dull orange of Joonmyun's stupid sweater through the glass. The faint outline of hands appear, cupped around a pair of eyes Jongin doesn't bother meeting.

"Is your back okay? You're supposed to take it easy."

Jongin holds back the growl in his throat, but not the scowl on his face. The glass can only hide so much from someone who's known him for five years.

"I'm fine. I'm done."

Even the running shower can't drown out the sounds of resignation, of a retreat. Jongin watches the last of the water slip through his fingers and into the drain.

Prompts: Taken from seouldout's Round 06 Challenge One

1. Word set: water, heart, black and white (from in_vazn)
2. Picture: Strangers. London, England. July 2012. by chattelatte @ tumblr

Author's Note: I'm not participating in seouldout, not officially. I decided to give it a try though on my own, which means I'll be following the prompts and the deadlines. This is a writing exercise for myself. A word count limit is actually very difficult to meet, I was constantly going over. This drabble actually uses both prompts as in inspiration. My explanation will likely be longer than the drabble itself, so sit tight or skip it. Either one.

How it meets prompt 1:
There is obviously water all over the place since Kai is in the middle of a shower. The heart is formed when Suho is trying to peer through the frosted glass door at Jongin. If you cup your hands around your eyes, it makes a heart shape. The black and white are actually covered in two ways: one is in how very straight-foward Kai is towards Suho, and the other is Suho's shadowy figure behind the frosted glass -- which often appears off-white. I should know, I googled it.

How it meets prompt 2: 
My analysis of the photo prompt was that is was essentially about the disconnect between two people, as seen by the two people about to walk past each other, probably not even meeting eyes. A disconnect where you either can't meet eyes (the frosted glass obscuring Kai and Suho's views) or you refuse to (Kai not even trying). The fact that the bridge was in the picture, but the people were far away from it made me think of a failed attempt to bridge a gap between people. The gray color of the picture inspired the somber, distant tone. The orange of Suho's sweater comes from the woman's jacket in the photo -- it is eye-catching, but not enough to actually result in the meeting of eyes between people. And then there's the river -- the Thames to be exact. I don't know how it is now, but when I read Heart of Darkness it had a reputation as being polluted, which was another reason for the somber, resigned tone. It also led to the use of water lol. There's also the sense of isolation in the photo, that was transferred over to the drabble by putting Kai in what was essentially a glass box lol

There's more I wanted to say in this drabble. I originally thought I would have had enough words to fit in a non-argument where Kai thinks more about Suho and Suho firmly identifies himself by his role as Suho, the leader of Exo-K and Kai's hyung rather than as Joonmyun. I wanted to have Kai tell Suho to stop smiling, which he knows Suho is doing even when he can't see his face clearly through the frosted glass. I planned for more dialogue actually. I'm glad I got the "I'm done" part in, because it's showing Kai's unwillingness to open up to Suho. He says "I'm done (with my shower)" and means "I'm done with you. I'm done with this discussion." The title barely connects to this train of thought -- "Washed out" refers to Kai's weariness in addition to being a shower pun.

I guess the only other thing I'd like to point out is the ending. It's a bit of a pun -- Suho is the water slipping through Kai's fingers due to the lack of understanding between them, and this is happening as Suho is finally leaving Kai alone. And also, Suho's "power" is water control. While Kai is, by this point, "drained". Heh. And that by that point, it should be possible to read the "resignation/retreat" part as applying to either Suho (who is backing down) or Kai (who isn't even bothering, is hiding away).

Final note: an unofficial inspiration was Maroon 5's "Payphone", specifically the part where "all of our bridges burnt down". About the futility of a relationship where one person isn't even trying.

Comments

[fourcoldpaws]

Hi! Beware of long (and possibly useless) rambling crit ahead. Personal opinions, take with a grain of salt etc etc.

Can I just. wow at your notes. You really do think a lot, don’t you? lmao

I love your in-depth analysis of the prompts and that you have so many ideas for this drabble. You have so much to say, you have depth and metaphors and interesting emotional dynamics between your characters and I’m was really impressed when I read the notes. Sadly this doesn’t really come across to me in the actual drabble.

First I was thinking that you’re trying to say too much. 200 words is not a lot, and sometimes you have to cut down on the content to fit that word limit. As I said, I love that you have so many thoughts (and ik the feeling of having them and wanting to express them) but I think a drabble can be a lot stronger if focused on one or two themes/points. The fact that you’re pm including three prompts in this says a lot lol, and I barely noticed any of the details & metaphors until you pointed them out to me. Maybe I’m just not paying attention enough, maybe you’re simply too deep for me lol, but I still think I am an ok representation of the average reader.

But maybe it’s not that you say too much, but more that you’re not clear enough in your expression. (omg I’m sorry this sounds horrible and it’s not in any way something easily fixed. But I think it’s something many, many are struggling with.) For instance, I feel that you spend a lot of words pointing out things that doesn’t need to be said. Don’t get me wrong, I love that you give your writing a poetic & introspective tone (“the droplets race down the paths forged by his hard-earned sweat” is a gorgeous line) but maybe all we actually need to know is that he’s standing in the shower. I love your idea of “putting him in a glass box”, and while I like that you’re not rly trying to spell anything out, maybe simply including these words somehow would have helped?

Furthermore, a line like “He groans at the interruption” sounds imo quite mundane and doesn’t rly fit in a piece like this. We need to know that he doesn’t appreciate suho’s interruption, but I don’t like groaning to show that. (also, this is highly personal preference but wouldn’t it have been interesting if suho had called him “kai”? like, it is the one word that breaks his illusion and thrusts him back into that world of cameras and fans. Also fits into your idea of suho first-and-foremost thinking of himself as exo’s leader.)

I guess what I would have wanted is less words about what’s going on and mundane details & more explicitly trying to express all your awesome thoughts. Like, I love your idea about the ending but I didn’t get it until I read your notes.

[avirjin]

I'm clawing at my face because wow, you actually went through this and you went through every bit of it and part of me wants to wail from the embarrassment and the other part of me wants to wail period because even without reading through your crit, all of my old pieces make me want to shrivel up into a ball of inadequacy and bury myself into a hole where i can never, ever be found again lmao

I still appreciate you going through this? Haha, it's just taking a while to get over my mortification ;_____; at myself, not at you, you're just lovely :'* although I'm still not sure why you bothered to spend part of your hiatus going over my terribad stuff lmao It is so very much appreciated though because how else would I grow, better to get stung and learn from it than to wallow in a puddle of stagnancy, right? lol

Ahem... Just give me a second to cringe again ;;

Anyway, yeah I think I've mentioned to you and others that I... think too much, but my execution is always lacking and that's why when I come up with ideas I throw them out into the wild and go "someone write me this!" lol It is frustrating, because if I were better at the execution than there wouldn't really need to be such long, rambling author's notes for myself? I would be able to look at my own stuff ages later and be able to tell what I was thinking of at that moment, what I was going for, and the fact that I can't actually do that tells a lot about where I am as a writer orz

But you definitely have a point about how I could have made this drabble stronger! This was my first drabble in the longest time and it definitely showed in that I lacked a lot of control while I was writing this. I wanted to shoehorn in as much as I possibly could -- and I know I still have that problem because it's still popping up in my more current stuff orz -- but you're right in that it ultimately weakens the focus of the drabble. I think I come off as deeper than I really am though, lmao, because it's like... quantity of thoughts =/= deeper thoughts, you know? So I think you're good! I'm not, but you are lol But yeah, I just had so much in my head and almost none of that translated into the drabble and that's a huge problem. One I really have to work at.

I definitely see what you mean by unnecessary details though ;; I think part of my problem is that when I come up with ideas, I try my best to stay stuck in that exact moment when the idea comes up so that I don't lose anything and I got so stuck in the whole shower thing that I focused too much on it? Argh, I don't even know if that makes sense. But the idea that he was in the shower was meant to be important not because of the glass box thing or even as a setting element, but as a way to... separate Kai from his reality, from everything outside of that moment. Like when you take a shower after a long day and it's a short period of time where you can block out the whole world because all you're aware of is droplets on your skin and the sound of running water in your ears, and then you step out feeling rejuvenated? Or maybe that's just me lol So the description of being in the shower was actually less of a poetic thing imo and more of... an experience? I'm less deep than you seem to think lmao But I definitely understand where you're coming from? It's so confusing trying to put it in words lol but I think I was just stuck in my own shower mentally when I wrote this, resting my head against the coolness of the shower's wall and feeling all the tension working out of me from those minute details? Because for me, it's the small details that build up an illusion like that, where different elements just grasp hold of your senses and use that to distract you. The fact that it seems like none of that came across properly is something I do need to mull over a lot though! For all my talk of atmosphere, I'm actually very horrible at pulling it off

And I agree with the "groan" line, there were probably hundreds of ways I could have approached that. But at the same time, I'm having trouble thinking of what I could have possibly substituted in it's place, like what sort of action? It would have had to have been a dismissive, negative sort of reaction. Almost instinctual, even in how it comes out? Maybe hands tightening, or eyes opening and then narrowing. Maybe even Kai folding into himself, edging away from the side Suho's approaching. I agree though, I should have written around the word "groan". I'm just still puzzling over how.

And the reason why I didn't have Suho refer to Kai as his stage name is because while I mention wanting to write about Kai calling him out for sticking to stage identities, I was thinking that Suho is at the point actively reaching out for Jongin, who he knows is both physically and mentally strained, rather than Kai? And that while Suho is stuck in that state of mind where he's Suho rather than Joonmyun, I don't think I meant to extend that mindset to the other members, where he would refer to them as their stage personas? That's a good point though, that calling out "Kai" would have broken the illusion very efficiently, but I really meant to break it with was the acknowledgement that Jongin was hurting because that's part of the everything that Kai is blocking out while in the shower? Sort of an acknowledgement of his weakness. It definitely doesn't come across clearly though. Hm.

(Let me know if any point this starts to sound like rationalizing or anything, I swear I'm just trying to let you into my head haha. At this point, it is becoming easier to read your crit because it's had time to sink in and while I'm not thinking of how to improve this particular piece, I am taking as many mental notes as I can *___* But thanks for this, it really got me thinking again about the gap between what I meant and what came out and what was taken from it! I really do appreciate it, for all my crying on twitter :P lol)

[fourcoldpaws]

hoho it's ok, i had some time over. i've also been told that you're only as good a writer as you are a reader, and i rly think that i can learn a lot myself from critting other ppls work. :)

while I mention wanting to write about Kai calling him out for sticking to stage identities, I was thinking that Suho is at the point actively reaching out for Jongin, who he knows is both physically and mentally strained, rather than Kai?
i think when you come to a moment like this, sort of like a crossroads, it's good to consider your audience and what your audience most likely will gather from the scene. it's hard since both of your alternatives are pretty ambiguous and require some srs interpretation from the reader, which is why i think it's even more important to not complicate things further for your reader. what are they likely to read into it? which is the easiest point to make? if that point is not a point you want to illuminate, maybe you need consider changing the entire direction of the point, so that it's not so easily confused with the other point lol. now, it's like you're trying to twist everything another lap around itself and there's no way your reader can follow you through that.

(tbh i thought the reason why it took you some time to respond was because you took a few days to mull over the crit, which tbh is something that i recommend. i think, despite all your alledged crying lol, you have some srs balls for being able to respond to it immediately like this. i like taking a few days to rly think things through and have my initial defensiveness wear off u__u and also collect my thoughts. that's just personal preference tho lol.)