Hi! Beware of long (and possibly useless) rambling crit ahead. Personal opinions, take with a grain of salt etc etc.
Can I just. wow at your notes. You really do think a lot, don’t you? lmao
I love your in-depth analysis of the prompts and that you have so many ideas for this drabble. You have so much to say, you have depth and metaphors and interesting emotional dynamics between your characters and I’m was really impressed when I read the notes. Sadly this doesn’t really come across to me in the actual drabble.
First I was thinking that you’re trying to say too much. 200 words is not a lot, and sometimes you have to cut down on the content to fit that word limit. As I said, I love that you have so many thoughts (and ik the feeling of having them and wanting to express them) but I think a drabble can be a lot stronger if focused on one or two themes/points. The fact that you’re pm including three prompts in this says a lot lol, and I barely noticed any of the details & metaphors until you pointed them out to me. Maybe I’m just not paying attention enough, maybe you’re simply too deep for me lol, but I still think I am an ok representation of the average reader.
But maybe it’s not that you say too much, but more that you’re not clear enough in your expression. (omg I’m sorry this sounds horrible and it’s not in any way something easily fixed. But I think it’s something many, many are struggling with.) For instance, I feel that you spend a lot of words pointing out things that doesn’t need to be said. Don’t get me wrong, I love that you give your writing a poetic & introspective tone (“the droplets race down the paths forged by his hard-earned sweat” is a gorgeous line) but maybe all we actually need to know is that he’s standing in the shower. I love your idea of “putting him in a glass box”, and while I like that you’re not rly trying to spell anything out, maybe simply including these words somehow would have helped?
Furthermore, a line like “He groans at the interruption” sounds imo quite mundane and doesn’t rly fit in a piece like this. We need to know that he doesn’t appreciate suho’s interruption, but I don’t like groaning to show that. (also, this is highly personal preference but wouldn’t it have been interesting if suho had called him “kai”? like, it is the one word that breaks his illusion and thrusts him back into that world of cameras and fans. Also fits into your idea of suho first-and-foremost thinking of himself as exo’s leader.)
I guess what I would have wanted is less words about what’s going on and mundane details & more explicitly trying to express all your awesome thoughts. Like, I love your idea about the ending but I didn’t get it until I read your notes.
no subject
ramblingcrit ahead. Personal opinions, take with a grain of salt etc etc.Can I just. wow at your notes. You really do think a lot, don’t you? lmao
I love your in-depth analysis of the prompts and that you have so many ideas for this drabble. You have so much to say, you have depth and metaphors and interesting emotional dynamics between your characters and I’m was really impressed when I read the notes. Sadly this doesn’t really come across to me in the actual drabble.
First I was thinking that you’re trying to say too much. 200 words is not a lot, and sometimes you have to cut down on the content to fit that word limit. As I said, I love that you have so many thoughts (and ik the feeling of having them and wanting to express them) but I think a drabble can be a lot stronger if focused on one or two themes/points. The fact that you’re pm including three prompts in this says a lot lol, and I barely noticed any of the details & metaphors until you pointed them out to me. Maybe I’m just not paying attention enough, maybe you’re simply too deep for me lol, but I still think I am an ok representation of the average reader.
But maybe it’s not that you say too much, but more that you’re not clear enough in your expression. (omg I’m sorry this sounds horrible and it’s not in any way something easily fixed. But I think it’s something many, many are struggling with.) For instance, I feel that you spend a lot of words pointing out things that doesn’t need to be said. Don’t get me wrong, I love that you give your writing a poetic & introspective tone (“the droplets race down the paths forged by his hard-earned sweat” is a gorgeous line) but maybe all we actually need to know is that he’s standing in the shower. I love your idea of “putting him in a glass box”, and while I like that you’re not rly trying to spell anything out, maybe simply including these words somehow would have helped?
Furthermore, a line like “He groans at the interruption” sounds imo quite mundane and doesn’t rly fit in a piece like this. We need to know that he doesn’t appreciate suho’s interruption, but I don’t like groaning to show that. (also, this is highly personal preference but wouldn’t it have been interesting if suho had called him “kai”? like, it is the one word that breaks his illusion and thrusts him back into that world of cameras and fans. Also fits into your idea of suho first-and-foremost thinking of himself as exo’s leader.)
I guess what I would have wanted is less words about what’s going on and mundane details & more explicitly trying to express all your awesome thoughts. Like, I love your idea about the ending but I didn’t get it until I read your notes.